What I learned from Sex and the City Volume 4

I used screen capture for this post

I was watching season 6 of SATC last night, the episode called Perfect Present (commonly known as the double finger episode) where Carrie is having a bad reaction to Berger's bad reaction to a call from his ex.

This episode is all about the baggage we carry with us from past relationships. There is a line where Carrie says "I was hoping not to have the ex talk"

I was thinking as I sipped my java watching the show, that anyone reading this blog has already been given my ex talk, as all my baggage is here in type.

THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME!

I started this blog right after my last break up. This blog is my dealing with my baggage.  Or "Biggage" as Carrie calls it in the episode.

I fully believe that everything happens for a reason to whom it happens when it happens. 

It's been 3 years.  This blog has been Fun, Frealed up and Fabulous.  But it's time to close the door on my EX files.

I will still be checking this for any stray comments, and using it as archives linking it from my NEW BLOG to old posts. 

I'd be remissed if I didn't add a little something to my favourite Spudguns right now though.

Now, I know Mr Shelley's birthday is this weekend so I'm closing this blog out with a birthday shout out to him.   

Happy Birthday Mr. Shelley

Now come join me on my new phase in life and remember Life should be filled with Food Laughter and Bad Camera Work always

-Ardeth Blood

Well I am traditional

I've never considered myself conservative.  But I've always considered myself traditional.

I believe in marriage.  I also believe there is nothing wrong with living together.  I know contradicting myself a little.  

You've heard me say that I do not approve of the situation my sister is in.  She started up with a married man who has four kids.  It's made the last 2 years of the relationship between my sister and me pretty much non-existent.  
They moved in together this last week.  He's left his wife completely and now really started a proper life with my sister. 

They were over here for a few minutes the last few days bringing me empty boxes and a coffee table. The little bit of "hi how you doing today"  is the most I've talked to this man in 2 years.  I am not sure I will ever be completely comfortable with him, but I also know I need to start if I ever want to get back the bit of relationship with my sister as it looks like he's going to be hanging around.  This is one of the longest relationships my sister has ever had so....

Here's the thing. She was happy!  She was over here yesterday bringing me the empty boxes and she was just glowing she was so happy.  In the 28 years that Ninja has been on this planet I have never seen her happy.  I've seen her hyper but never happy to the core of her being happy. 
Maybe she found her ONE.

Love in India -Movie

I just watched this documentary on iTunes.   Now, you've heard me say before that I am a documentary freak. Been known to rent dvds of movies I've had for years on vhs  just for the commentary.  (best rock-doc I have ever seen was  Metal: A Headbanger's Journey ) 

This film Love in India left me confused. It seemed to ask more questions then actually explore anything. I didn't learn much from it other then the fact Gods/Goddesses are so interwoven.  But, we already knew that. 
This talks about society's double standard on marriages in India, as well as the most popular mythology in regards to sex/love.  Parts of which sounds very similar to that of Dionysus (the interwoven gods part) and left me feeling kind of disappointed.
We follow the film maker and his lover over a course of time (we never find out how long they were shooting for) as they interview friends and family about their personal views on marriage, and the lack of sex education classes. 

I'm not sure I walked away from this one liking or hating it.  It's one I wouldn't mind seeing again and having someone to discuss it with.

Sidenote:  it's a subtitled film.

Unopened Letters to an Imaginary Husband part 7

I was asked why I started this series of posts.
There is a few reasons.

1. I'm working the Soulmate Secret by Arielle Ford. 
2. I believe in the Law of Attraction (remember it's just another form of magick )
3. The blog was getting too heavy with all my rants and crying
4. I like poetry
5. There is nothing wrong with showing some gratitude to the universe ahead of time for bringing the right guy to me (remember it's the law of return too- what you put out you get back)
6. The right guy might stumble across my blog and see the pretty poetry and be so taken that he has to contact me.
7. I love the idea of love letters.  And honestly, I think men do too. 

I've been told I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Um yeah, it's covering my tattoo.  I'm a deeply emotional person, good bad or otherwise.  I'm also brutally honest.  If I love you I'll tell you, if I hate you I'll tell you, if I just want to freal you, I'll tell you that too.
Yes, I'm as immature as a cat in heat sometimes... well most the time, but I'm also loyal.
In the movie Trick or Treat (1986)  the character of Sammi Curr says "You should be loyal to your heroes or they may turn on you".   I think that goes for love too.

The perfect date

Oh my... this will get .... Tacky. 

So, few days ago, I was having one of my normal conversations with my buddy Patrick (odd to everyone around us, normal to us)  about something we read on the internet.  And Patrick goes "sounds like he was giving you date ideas"

No I will not fill you in on what we were reading.

But, it did start a mad fit of laughter from me for about fifteen minutes.   What can I say, when something gets me going I am difficult to turn off.
and now, few days later the conversation has popped back into my head.  
I can't help but wonder,  with the release of the new Sex and the City 2 in a matter of weeks, what would be a good modern date.  Why the connection to SATC2 when I have no intention of going with anyone nor am I dating anyone to go with anyway.... Cause it's SATC2! Women in this city are buying new outfits and shoes and saving money to get to the opening night.  Trust me, it's an event.  Sadly, I won't be going the opening night, I'll have to wait a few days for the crowds to die down, besides it will be right after the Great North Wrestling has been here so you know I'll be dead broke... were was I going with this... OH Right dates.

Everyone is different.  And as I learned last summer from the string of bad ones, dating is something I lack any skill at.  No, I will not be trying that experiment up again this summer once was enough.  Dude, you do realize that last summer was the first time in 20 years I had been on a "date"
Anyway, told you it would get tacky,  anyway, my ideas of a date perfect, good, bad or otherwise seem very well, old fashioned and boring to most the people I talk to.  They seem to find bar hopping for loud concerts or general drinking matches top on the list. Second on that list being hitting the hockey games. 
Really?  I mean really?  So what you're saying is that you need to be in a loud environment where you can't have any kind of conversation with the person and be very drunk in the process.  Dude, how uncomfortable are you with yourself?

For me it's simple.   Go for coffee maybe even one of the coffee shops that doesn't get much traffic so that you have it almost to yourself, and a walk. Which gives you the chance to get close if things are working, or you know run away if they're not.  And from there, and this is the big compatibility test, head back to my apartment to watch Big Money Hustlas.  

I could never love a man who doesn't love that movie.  If a guy can sit through that film, with me, and my rewinding on Monoxide's parts - he steals the movie in the feeties pajamas- and still be comfortable enough to enjoy the movie, well...  You know, I've never met a guy who can. 

Are you loosing sleep over me?

So I'm working on the 3rd draft of my novel, and  need to ask the men reading this,   and I really need some honest feedback; how bad is a break up on your end?

My straight male friends have stopped answering my questions.  It seems I'm getting too personal with my questions. 

Actually one of my favourite songs is "You're the Reason"  by Bobby Edwards (you're the reason I don't sleep at night/I'm betting you're not loosing sleep over me/but if I'm wrong don't fail to call)

One couple Two spiritual paths

Can it work?

I talked on here before about having failed a wedding project back in high school (too damned lazy to go through the blog to link the post )  Well I was looking over part of the project today cause I... not even sure why,  just was... anyway, there was a list we had to make of what we wanted in our husbands.

Nothing that was important to me 20 years ago, is now.
I know that you have to compromise for any chance in any relationship.  Decide what are the little things and what are the major.

For instance,  I know finding a guy with my taste in music is not going to happen.  That's a little thing and what ipods were invented for.  I also know that finding a man who is a vegetarian, is also nearly a zero chance.  That's another little thing and the reason I firmly believe in have two sets of frypans.
But, what about the big things like religion?

Can two people who are trying to share a life together be from two completely different spiritual paths?
Most of my friends are all married and their husbands/wives are the same religion as them.  Two of my male cousins converted when they got married to their wives religion.  

I know that is something I could never do, give up my spiritual path.   Nor would I expect any man who came into my life to give up his.  
So the question is put out there, can you be part of a couple but have two very different religions?

I'm jealous of a 16 year old...

How that happen? And um why?

Well I was out with mom today, and spotted this teenaged couple.  I sat there watching them interact and was very envious of the girl.  Not because her boyfriend was good looking, cause he wasn't, but because of the way he was looking at her.  I've seen this look before, from my male cousins when they've looked at their wives, from my male friends when they have looked at their girlfriends, when my married friend's husbands have looked at them, even once from VLHE's exhusband who came out as gay.  That look of pure animalistic desire.  That look that a man will get when he's thinking he doesn't care who's around or that he's in a public place. That look that is similar to what a hungry panther has when looking at it's prey.
A look I have witnessed  a million times in other people, but have never been able to create in a guy myself. 
So there I was, sitting around waiting for the bus watching these two teenagers cooing at each other like they were the only two people on the planet. Thinking, how did that girl create that desire in that boy?  And I found myself both jealous and depressed. 
Jealous of a 16 year old.  How much lower can I get?

How far are you willing to go?

Working on draft 3 of my novel, and am wondering... would a male masturbation scene be taking it too far?   Would that cross a line that just would destroy the core of the plot?
Hard to say.  Some people have already told me my novel is difficult to swallow.   Yeah, I threw good taste out the window the second I started working on the last draft. 

And what brought this thought on this raining morning over coffee?  

Well to be honest, I'm still waiting for this weeks TNA Impact to be available so I can do the weekly review, and decided to work on one of the main characters while I wait.  He needs to be given more personality.  That and I had a crazy conversation last night with a buddy about an old match from the Best of the X-Division vol 2.  (June 18th 2006 you can find it on iTunes even, 6 man contenders match)
 
My editor and my friend's mom who read the last draft both feel he's the strongest character in my novel. My Antagonist. My Heel.  So now I am just trying to get a better handle on this character, so to speak.

Muse me

Someone left a comment the other day on one of my other posts, asking me what I am looking for in a man.  My reply was actually really snotty.  Totally asshole of me. 
The last 24hours because of a crazy situation of information coming to my attention, information I have to admit I didn't like finding out,  I have been thinking.  
I've talked about the fact that I need to have a guy in my life or at least a crush in order to be creative.  I need a Muse.
I've never admitted it before, but what I want out of a guy is to be his Muse.  I've never admitted it before because I never believed I deserved to be seen that way.  But it's what I want. 
So to answer the person honestly and without venom, I want to inspire a man. 

I 'm guessing that is  big key to finding the One, my soulmate,  (yes remember we've gone over this a million times, I believe in soulmates)   he'll have a new creativity when he meets me.  I'll be his Muse.

Egotistical - no.  Honest for the first time in years - honest to myself anyway.

Some evil to your head

Quoting Artificial Joy Club song Psychic Man for that opening title.

Okay, so I have said on this monster mash over a year ago that I had started trying to learn belly dancing. Trying being the key word. Why I am not getting too far with it, and there for no vid of me yet at it, has alot to do with my shoulder/ribs and back.

Remember the car accident I had back on Sept 1st 2006, it mangled my entire right side from my waist to my shoulder. And well I have that nasty back issue since I was 10. But anyway, I started up again with the trying to learn belly dance. Seems when I am not trying I seem to be able to make a hoser out of myself by half way dancing.

Let me set the photo for you shall I. When I think about doing the moves, my zombie eaten brain can't seem to get my stupid body to move, but when I am standing around just waiting for a bus with my iPod on, well I end up having people stare at me like I am having a fit or something.

Yes that's right my Spudguns, I dance when I am not even thinking about trying to. And I'm sure that I make for a fairly interesting - to say the least- idiot of myself without even trying to.

So the message of the day is .... Don't even think about it. Move, groove and be on intuition.

Which brings me to my next little mouth dropping.

I have shown my ability for poetry. I was published years ago when still in high school, and college and a few years after that, in local papers and an underground American mag (Macabre Manse Best of Gothica and Beyond) And I've added bits and pieces on this bloggy-blog over the years.
Well, last year I had written a piece for a guy. I never gave it to him, totally chickened out cause I'm a total coward. But I did show it off to a few of my friends and their husbands. Wanting mostly the opinion of the very straight married guys. The reactions were like this....

50 year old Female friend : "If he doesn't scoop you up right on the spot he's a looser who doesn't deserve you."
Her husband : " That's beautiful. Send it now send it now. That's just beautiful"
Her 20 something year old son : " You have a nice way with words. I could turn that into a song."
The High Priestess : "KIM!!!! SEND IT!!! He's going to love it"
High Priestesses husband : he had nothing to say cause he cried. I made a 35 year old straight man cry with my writing.

Well, I am a coward and just could not send it. Freal, I don't even know if he's into poetry. That would be a big bad had I sent it to this guy I don't even really know, and find out he doesn't even like poetry right... right?

And the point is still go with your gut on things. My intuition was to write the pretty little poem and send it to him. Here I am a year later and it's just too late. This is one fear I don't think I can face. And no, I am not going to post that one here. It's too revealing, too innocent, too raw, too naked. No, it's not a dirty smutty poem either, just very ... sugary. Not the me I have let you all see on this blog. It's more Kimberly less Ardeth.

I just can't seem to get it out of my head to send it to him. The universe needs to start sending me some clear signs cause I'm as mixed up emotionally as a girl can get.

There's no happy ending

*deep sigh*

There is no happy ending.

My friend's mom, whom I respect completely, hated my novel. It made her uncomfortable.

Characters I created, that I spent the last year working on, pouring my soul into made her want to puke.

There is no happy ending. I put my lead character- Protagonist- through hell. I put my Antagonist through hell. The same hell actually. And one character I was told is redundant. The character of Cole, who is based on my buddy Joshua, my friend's mom and my editor by the by, feel that the story is being blocked by having him in there.

I can't seem to win.

Okay here is the deal. I'm not as creative as I wish I was. I need a guy in my life to feed the creativity. I need to be in a relationship, or at the very least crushing on someone. This blog over the past year proof of that. I mean, man really the most interesting posts on this frealing thing have nothing to do with me and everything to do with either the bad dates I had over the summer or my addiction to Mr. Shelley and Mr. Sabin.

So what do I do now? I'm trudging through the re-writing of draft 3 and my heart is no longer in it. I have been working towards this point for the last 15 years.

15 years! Since the first time I had some of my poems published in high school. Yes, I am that old. Most writers have cranked out four or five full length novels by this age and not still struggling to get noticed.

I got asked today ironically "what would Jane do?"
What Would Jane Do? Well, I think Jane Austen would have laughed. She would have laughed and then dug up a pile of potatoes. Cause by this age, she had 4 of her novels published and had already turned down one offer of marriage. See, massively ahead of me in a time when women couldn't own anything.

What did I do? I drank 3 glasses of wine and cried.

Do I Tear You Apart?

Last December I posted a poem on my gonzo blog. I 'm in the mood to post it here. I wrote it for the hopes a particular male reader would reply. He never did.

DO I TEAR YOU APART?

Locks and keys are made for each other.
Are you the key to my dreams?
Am I the missing piece to yours?
Do I rip you from your own reality when you need it most?
Do you think I should?

Crying in the night only brings misery and headaches.
Do I cause you to weep over the thought of me with someone else?
Did you miss what you thought was your way to me?
Are you anything when I am not beside you?
Do I hold the key to your future?
Do you think I should?

We melt into each person who we are meant to be with.
Have you given yourself over to the idea of me ?
Are you willing to try?
You believe that I am yours body and soul?
Do I hold the key to your future?
Do you think I should?
Do I rip you apart, does it hurt to know we're miles and days away from each other?

Locks and keys are made for each other.
Are you ready to find out if we are a perfect fit?

love always Ardeth Blood

Let me tell you about me

I was just having a chat with Buddy #P and the topic turned to photos. I have only ever seen a photo of him once over a year ago and it was not the greatest.
I just saw one new one of him. Buddy #P does not have a good self image.

He had visited one of my websites the other day and said he really like one photo I have up.
Cool.

I've talked more then once about how I view myself. I believe I am realistic in my self image. But it took alot to get to this point.
Most women when you talk to them, will have the same comment, that the older they got the better they viewed themselves. That's so true of me.

You read on this blog me asking what is wrong with me, and the next day I'm telling you how adored I am by the X-Division. The truth of the matter is somewhere in between. As I am sure it is for everyone.
This is a blog. A mirror to hold up to ourselves at later points in life. Some days are rocking others not so much. I know my self esteem is mirrored back at me that way. Think about it, yours most likely is too.

Where are you going with this?

I always felt like I was nothing. Frankenstein's monster. Well, give me some neck bolts then. I embraced it and smile. Smiling, laughing and just enjoying the idea that someone at some point will look at me and say "You're such an Addams" cause honey, Lily Munster ain't got nothing on me.
Dude, I'm push another decade soon (36 in 2 weeks) I have no time for self doubt.

Well the sex is good

I got some of the chapters back from my editor. I'm noticing a pattern with my work.
Everything gets some red ink except for the sex scenes.

Are the editors/publishers just not wanting to read those scenes?
Worse, are they boring?
Are they hard to swallow?

It can't possibly be I am a better writer then even I believe... is it?

Actually, in this case, I think the sex scenes are very readable. Not too over the top, not too in your face. One of the most difficult things to write is a sex scene. You have to know how much emotion you want to covey with it. Do you want your characters to walk away from it unscathed or do you want them to reach a turning point?

Sex is used so differently by everyone. Not just in books.

Cheap Skywriting

Communication.

It seems to be the topic de jour.

I'm sitting here listening to my Artificial Joy Club cd Melt, with the song Skywriting on repeat.
My favourite track on the album. And it got me thinking about some of my poetry. I ended up going through some of my scrapbooks looking for a few pieces I did back when I was still with Trainwreck. My most creative time for poetry actually.
Most of which I have forgotten about. Why, well because they are all about him. Yeah, I am that cliched and pathetic. When I am in a relationship or have a crush, I communicate to the guy by making him the center of my art.

Not on purpose.

No shocker there eh? as my blog is living proof of that fact.

Also no shocker that men and women communicate differently. Take for example, I had done a drawing of Trainwreck and photographed it. I gave him the photograph of the drawing. He tossed it into the glove compartment of his truck and did not even acknowledge it. I was crushed for days. Then one night at the bar when he was djing, he rigged the door prize of the night for me to win. I was insulted.
Our communication styles were so different. I think in art and he thought in money.

I think that's why so many women are drawn to romance novels/movies. It's the idea of the grand gesture.

What made Percy Bysshe Shelley such hot dren? You know, I have read his poetry and I find it lack luster. But yet, he was considered, and still is considered, one of the greatest poets ever.
It was part of what seduced Mary Shelley. No surprise when you think about it either, that both of their most popular works shared the same title. Frankenstein or the Modern Prometheus and her husband's Prometheus Unbound .

I'm still searching for that kind of creative connection. But the message seems to disappear just when I think I have found that soul collaborator.

Can you share such a deep intimacy like that without falling in love? When someone opens the floodgates of creativity in you, what do you do when they close the door?
I think Mary Shelley got off lucky. Percy died on her. She lived her whole life knowing he was the One, knowing she had been his soulmate, his muse. There are some of us who still have to turn the corner down the street and hold our breath that we do not bump into our ex.

Least you step in that dog dren again and the stink never comes off.

We have come along way since the days of Mr. and Mrs. Percy Shelley. Maybe too far. Not only do we have a million ways to decode the communications we developed, we have just as many ways to block out the noise.
Men see a caller id and choose not to answer. They text cause it is less stress for them then actually picking up the phone. Webcamming has replaced a walk as a first date.
All this makes the face to face time that much more confusing when we do get there.

I guess it's time we got back to saying what we mean and meaning what we say.

Another song on the Melt cd has a line that goes "I say what I feel it gets me into trouble I feel what I say "

Miscommunication or what?

Because of my fears

This became an interesting night.

Because of my extreme fears of rejection in every form, and therefore my inability to do something as simple as send an email to Mr. Shelley; I ended up in a 4 hour conversation with Buddy #P about men and women and who should make the first move.

Even with all the society breakdowns we have, there is still a stigma on a woman making any kind of first move. Yeah, even one my age.
Worse if you are not on the same level as the man. As in, not as good looking or wealthy.

My buddy said and I am quoting him "Screw that. Go for it."
I laughed then panicked some more.

One of my favourite quotes is from Trading Up by Candace Bushnell "A woman is limited by the men that desire her."
It does not say anything about a man being limited. You choose us, we do not choose you.

Pencil that in between

I just had two people tell me to send a letter to Mr. Shelley.
To stop being a total wimp and just message him already.

I'll get right on that, pencil it in between having my brain eaten by zombies and .... well you can't do much after having your brains eaten by zombies.

What good would that do? He's read the blog; I'm sure. He knows the score. I've embarrassed myself enough as it is.

And besides, what the hell would I say? "You're so frealing hot"
He's looked in a mirror he knows it already, and it's written all over this damned blog already.

I'm at the point where it's just a case of "I want to cut off her head and drive a stake through her heart."
Fear. It's a powerful thing. Fear of being laughed at, fear of being feared.

Being viewed as creepy on this blog is one thing, it's my blog. I just open my mouth and let the thoughts hit the page in a splatter punk of colour.
Messaging him would be a totally different level of creep factor.

Besides, what would I do if he actually replied back?

Seems I have cursed myself

You need to read this post first

Okay, now you have heard me say a million times that I believe in soulmates and that I am doing the Soulmate Secret by Arielle Ford. You have also heard me say a million times that I am a Pagan.
(hopeless romantic + practicing spellcaster who's main God/Goddess are Love/Sex God/Goddess + thinks the big puffy white a waste of time = crap I'm screwed) Well, you know how every other normal average woman on the face of the planet puts years and years and years of energy into the big puffy white layer cake and dress. Seems because I have not, I have unknowingly blocked and sabotaged myself.

NOW YOU TELL ME??????

Yeah, it would seem so. The Law of Attraction baby, the Law of Attraction. Because I have never seen myself having a "wedding day" and therefore never so much as ever even bought one damned bridal magazine, therefore never putting any energy into it, I've condemned myself to never getting married. I have never even been to a wedding

Can this be fixed?

Maybe, maybe not. Might be too late. Remember back in high school, having family planning class or home ec or whatever it's called now, well in grade 12 we had to do a wedding planning thingie. I just was not interested at all in any of it. I failed the project. I got 41% out of 100. I know this because this afternoon while I was hunting for something in the mess that is my apartment, I stumbled upon the project. Yeah no joke, I still have papers from 1991 sitting around in boxes. I'm a pack rat.

I still see nothing wrong with the drive-thru-wedding chapel. Nothing wrong with it at all.
Being Pagan, if I were to ever end up finding a guy who was willing to spend the rest of his life with me, I would be content with a handfasting. For those of you that don't know what that is, it's a marriage type ritual done by the High Priestess or High Priest. Every Alternative Religion has a version of it. And what was the point of my post I got off track again

I think it had something to do with the Law of Attraction and basic wish magick.

Yes of course Spudgun, she says a day later. Because I have not ever pictured myself having a big puffy white wasted day... er um wedding, and not put the energy into creating the perfect "day", I have unknowingly set up a huge roadblock to ever meeting my soulmate and having a happily ever after. That means, I can try to put some energy into creating that imaginary "special day" and hope it's enough to turn around my bad mojo.

See, I really do not have the bride gene. It's like the lead character in the movie Cake played by Heather Graham, she is very anti-wedding and ends up having to run her parents bridal magazine. Her attitude is why do the big party when you can just live together.

Okay people, lets' see if I can honestly turn my attitude towards weddings around enough to bring some positive energy to the situation. Like I said, I only have to believe enough to turn the bad luck around... right?

Torn Covers

I used screen capture for this post

So my novel is sitting in the hands of my editor. This is great, means I am that much closer to being published.
But it means I have some time to stress over the cover art now. The photographer I was talking to couple of months ago backed out. Yeah I know, I suck or something.
Anyway, that means I still have to find a solution for the cover.

I have been looking at iStockphoto the last few days but I haven't found anything that captures the spirit of what I want my book to say at first glance.

One thing is certain, it has to be black and white. That is the real deal breaker.
I would like someone who looks halfway like my lead character, simply because it is a romance. But because I am not under any contracts with any of the romance publishers, I do not have any requirements. I can be as different from the typical romance covers out there.

Too bad there are not any guys in this city to model who look like this.