Devil's in my head

Quoting L.A. Guns from the song "Long Time Dead" from the Vicious Circle album.
Why... cause that's what I am listening to right now... on cassette!  Yeah it's that old. And discontinued from what I am told so I have not been able to find it on cd.

Anyway, the 10 of Swords,  or as my friend Erin likes to say  "The 10 of S words."  old SNL skit from like a million years ago when SNL was still worth something.  I did a reading this morning, and that damnable card popped up again, and again again and again... you get the idea it's haunting me.
Usually this card is shown as someone laying face down in the gutter with 10 sharp swords/daggers/knives in their back and skull with a large puddle of blood under them.   Nice Eh? 

Well, actually it is.
It's a very deceiving card, the term don't judge a book by it's cover was made for this card.  Yes, it is a card of pain.  Pain in the past. This card is a card of balance, forgiveness, self esteem and rebirth. Things are never as bad as they seem. It's a card that is telling you to -roll with it- the situation is over, time to grieve if necessary but relief is now at hand.  The end of a cycle and preparing you for the next.

I haven't figured out just what it's screaming at me about today, but I'm sure I will at some point.

The Pages Cards

The Pages are the first sets of the Court cards.
Strange creatures these ones.

They tend to represent messages and learning, innocence and childishness.
Depending on which Page pops up, the situation surrounding the kind of message will differ.

For example, the Page of Cups usually represents a birth, where as the Page of Swords can uncover a spy.

So I am jammering on about this because the pages are haunting me, or taunting me depending on how you want to look at it. For the last week, the pages; all 4 of them (cups, pentacles, swords and wands) have been slamming me in my readings.
Well, I suppose that's no real surprise given I am a writer and am having communications with my editor right now.
I've also been doing some self realization work, with the Soulmate Secret and the Law of Attraction. The pages could be screaming at me from that point of view.

The planets are also at this time shifting, as are the seasons. The pages might be picking up on the movement astrologically speaking. (I have no idea what planet matches up with what card.)

Are we trying to live a fairy tale?

Everyone grows up with the images of heroes dancing through their heads. Wither you are wanting to be rescued by the knight in shinning armor or you are wanting to be the knight in shinning armor, we all need heroes.

How many of us actually find what we're looking for?
I have heard it said more then once that no matter how intelligent or independent a woman is, she still just wants to be rescued.
I have to admit, there are times when that is very true. There are also just as many times when I want to be the white knight for some guy. There is nothing that lends to a natural high as much as being able to swoop down and be the shinning star that a man can't live without. Even if it is only for a few hours. Mind you my white knight status has been limited to standing in line for four hours for concert tickets while my buddy had to work or picking up a rent contract while my buddy was out of town. Still, the idea that I could be the one to save the day always makes me feel great.

I think it is the idea of being needed.

But yet, in the end I have never been rescued. (ambulance and emergency personal do not count) Not even so much as a guy offering to carry my books for me...ever.
Yes I need to be needed, but I need someone that needs me, to need them too.

The 4 of Pentacles

The 4 of pentacles, or coins. Is the card of security, of the home, of delay, a physical obstacle, of hording.
When this card comes up in a reading, it's telling you that you need to let go of something, to give back to the universe.

What happens when you have nothing to give?
When you are drained physically, mentally, emotionally. When you are not part of something bigger then yourself. How do you handle it? What are you suppose to give when you have nothing to offer? When you are not a wife, not a mom, not needed, not wanted, not thought of. What do you do then? How can you give back when there is nothing for you to offer?

I understand. I think

The more I know the less I understand.

Yes, I am sitting here listening to the Sex and the City movie soundtrack, and that one line from it was like a slap to the face.

I have been seeing a situation one way for the last 5 years and I was not willing to see it any other way.
Few days ago, I was in the process of a ritual and asked for a sign. I had a certain thing I wanted to happen if the choice was one direction and a certain thing if the choice was a second direction.
Within 24 hours I got my sign. And I realized I had been getting the sign for this choice for months I had just refused to see it.
The second I said okay this is the path the Fates want me to take, I felt this great wave of peace.

Sounds corny I know. But very true.
I had been fighting it for a long time.

It seems what I want and what I need in the situation are two very different things. And had I been paying more attention to the tarots, I would have understood that sooner.
The Lovers and the Twos are well love and relationship cards. They are also about choices, finding a balance with your emotional self and your physical needs. The day I asked for the sign, I had pulled the Lovers, the Two of Swords and the Two of Cups. All that was missing from that reading had been the Two of Pentacles and Two of Wands.
I also pulled the Ace of Cups and the Ace of Swords. The Ace of Cups is the true love and marriage card, the Ace of Swords is the warrior/champion card and the card of self esteem.

The Ace of Cups and the Ace of Swords have been popping up for months now in my readings. I had assigned them to people which can be good but when you get used to seeing them you start to forget what their real meanings are and only put them in context with the people.
I had been missing the message all these months because I had in my mind associated those two cards with two men. The message I was getting was not always about those two men, but something else all together.

Follow me.

The Empress and Queen of Pentacles cards

The Empress : Fruitful, action, initiative, length of days, the unknown, natural, emotional and material abundance, femininity, creative and physical growth, intuitive emotions, protective love, a happy marriage, domestic stability, wealth, harmony, strength after an illness, natural course of events that proves beneficial.
The Goddess card. The Mother card. The foreshadowing of a baby.

Queen of Pentacles : Gifts, a good marriage, greatness of soul, opulence, generosity, liberty, security, birth, mother, an independent woman who is interested in the creative arts.


These two cards have been showing up lately in my readings. The two are connected, as both are material/physical manifestation cards and both represent motherhood.

I can't go into what my readings were about, but I can tell you that I was shocked to get these cards. And to add to this, images that have been coming to me in other forms. Eggs and Flowers.
Two more symbols connected to motherhood.

What's going on here? I have gotten the hint that the goddesses are tapping me on the shoulder with the ever present fact cats and bears keep popping up in my life. Cats being the totem for the goddess Bast and Bears being the totem for the goddess Artemis. I have been trying to balance my life with more domestic roles but seems I'm not doing a good enough job to make them happy.

For those who have been reading this blog on a regular basis, you know every once and awhile I post about a tarot card that is haunting me. The consent presence as of late of the two major motherhood cards has bothered me.
That has never been a path I have ever chosen. But again, this could be pointing to pure creativity. In which case they would make sense as the book is the big thing in my life right now. Getting the book finished and published.

Let's hope that's all the Goddesses are trying to do for me.

The 2 of Cups

This card is considered even more so then the Lovers card, to be the soulmate card. It represents lovers, friends, business partners all of which can be your soulmate. (Love, Passion, Friendship, Union, Sex, Marriage, Emotion and Spirituality creating a bond, Contracts, Reconciliation of opposites, Reconciliation after a parting)
I used to believe that there was only one soulmate out there for everyone. Now I am not so sure.

Few years ago, I came to the idea that Viva-Loco Homegirl Esq. and her then husband were my soulmates. I also came to the idea at the same time that the Trainwreck was my soulmate. When the four of us, or even three, or even two of us were together, odd things would happen. Trainwreck was the only one of us who did not practice some form of magick. VLHE and her husband were both Shamans.
Then when I met Dargo. I knew he was a soulmate. Wither he admits it or not, I know he knew it too.
My friend the High Priestess believes we are soulmates. Her main being her husband. She also has another soulmate, a gay man The Magus.

So what brought on this post today?
The topic of soulmates has been a hot one as of late with my book club, my social circle and has me thinking.
They say your soulmate is not the person who mimics yourself or ideal of perfection, but infact the opposite of you. The person who hold a mirror up to you. Your Balance. I am starting to understand this thought and believe my ultimate soulmate to be that balance.

A man who is beyond beautiful, honest, talented, giving, sucessful, loving. (He would have to be, given I am such a sarcastic bitch.)

And what if my soulmate feels he has already met his?
That is very possible considering what I have come to learn recently. It is also possible to have a lifemate that is not your soulmate.
I am sitting right now on the edge of something, not really a peace not really a knowing, but something inbetween. I feel I could survive if my ultimate soulmate came into my life and said "yes we are soulmates. But we won't be lifemates this time around" I would not be, I don't think, as crushed if that happens. 5 years ago that would have been a different story.

Ideally my ultimate soulmate will be my lifemate.

Just knowing he's out there is a sort of peace in itself.

And why did I title this the 2 of cups and not soulmates? Because that card has been coming up alot recently. It's trying to tell me something, that is for sure.